there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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