he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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