Your mouth is God's brothel.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
