I think I am morally bankrupt
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
