If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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