she woke up with a sticky ear
my vag is so smooth its legendary
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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