I bet he comes in French.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
