sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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