My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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