Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
