Your face is a jimmy john
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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