My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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