This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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