Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
