so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?