He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.