Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.