I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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