Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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