you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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