I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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