just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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