Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
