We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think my moral compass just broke
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
