i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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