dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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