I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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