Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
