I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
