Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
