Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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