you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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