I think I am morally bankrupt
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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