I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Less talking, more tequila
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
