I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
