I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
