She is in my trunk
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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