mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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