I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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