I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
