please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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