i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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