I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jerry, you need to find god
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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