i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
