I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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