Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
