It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE