how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs