If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE