I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize