So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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