Kiss
Puke
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
