YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I am one with the molecules
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
