I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
