It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
