woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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