I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
