he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
