he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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